The Rum Experiment

Objective – To produce the best rum in the World

Ferment > Distil > Age > Consume

Stage 1 – Ferment

Input – yeast, molasses, water

Equipment – huge vats and lots of large pipes (preferably intertwined in a complicated manner)

Procedure

Grow yeast in huge vats by maintaining perfect conditions for replication. Mood music not necessary. Estimated time – 6 hours.
Mix yeast with molasses and water.
Throw in anti foaming substance for good measure. Add sulfuric acid to taste. Keep temperature below 37 degrees.
Leave the mixture alone for 24 hours.

Output – Carbon dioxide and dead wash

Stage 2 – Distil

Input – dead wash and steam
Equipment – Stills, condensers, pipes, glass beakers, pipettes and log books
Procedure

Transfer the dead wash from fermenting plant into huge cylindrical stills while blowing steam through these stills to vaporize the dead wash. These fumes are then converted into pure alcohol in the condenser.
Different stills give flavors to the alcohol. Coffey, wooden and pot stills are some still options.
Mad scientist equipment helps staff monitor the consistency of the alcohol.
Once the alcohol has been extracted, dump all waste into the river*. Don’t let your conscience bother you about that. The law sure as hell won’t.

Output – 18 different alcohol varieties with varying consistencies, compositions, flavours and colours.

Stage 3 – Age

Age

Input – pure alcohol from stage 2
Equipment – Wood, iron, rain, sunshine
Procedure

Mix different quantities of different rums to produce a rum blend. Adult supervision required.
Build a casket from the wood using iron clamps and leave it out in the rain for a few days to ensure that the wood absorbs water and binds together well.
Air pressure test the cask before sealing blended rum in it for up to 80 years in some cases. Your kids will thank you for your patience.

Output – The world’s best rum

Stage 4 – Consume

Conclusion – Demarara distilleries produces 20,000 bottles of rum per day. The warehouse unit houses more than 36,000 caskets of rum. El Dorado 5 year rum is the best rum in the below 7 year category and has won that award over the last 7 years. El Dorado 15 year rum is the best rum. Period. Our friendly neighbourhood rum connoisseur observed (and I concur) that the following mapping holds true for good rums

21 years = cognac
15 years = scotch
12 years = brandy
6 years = vodka
5 years = tequila
3 years = rum rum

* The distillery has opened a new bio gas plant next door to the distillery and is using its waste to generate bio fuel to power the distillery. The CO2 released from the fermentation is used to make dry ice and Pepsi. Although these practices are somewhat sustainable, the brown waste flowing into the river shows that this token effort isn’t enough and there’s a lot of work to be done on this front.